The Severity of Being Outed Without Consent and What to Do
One of the most important moments for an LGBTQIA+ person is the experience of coming out. It can be a scary and difficult decision to make because it means revealing such a vulnerable part of one’s identity. Coming out as queer holds a lot of significance for many people, which is why it is up to them to determine when to do it.
Not many people understand the kind of significance coming out may hold to a person. There are people who purposefully out others with malicious intentions or some who do it by accident without thinking about the kind of hurt or danger they could be putting someone in. In both situations, it is completely understandable to feel hurt or angry and lash out at them. However, it may be best for the person to confront them when in a state of mind in which they can properly voice out their feelings. They should tell the person who outed them that what they did was not okay under any circumstances and the impact it had. A part of their identity has been taken away and a choice was stolen from them. Coming out is not a choice that should be taken from anyone and handled by someone else. It is not their identity, therefore not their information to openly share.
An analogy that puts this into perspective is that there are two people in a car and in the middle of the drive, they switch. The new person driving chooses to change the route to a different location without consulting the previous driver. When they switch back, the person who drove first is now lost because they are on a completely different route. The lost driver is the person who was outed and the person who changed the route is the person who outed them without their consent. The driver who changed the course of direction disregarded how the other passenger would feel. What if they made them drive through a dangerous neighborhood? The same applies to how a person who outs a queer person can ultimately put them in danger depending on who they out them to. It is never a guarantee that someone will accept the LGBTQIA+ community with positivity or with hostility.
Overall, the main things to focus on is communication, consent, and assertiveness. It is important for someone to convey their feelings and opinion truthfully so that the other person can understand why it affected them the way it did. Consent is crucial for both situations! The other person needs to know that they should ask for consent to talk about someone elses’ queer identity in front of others. By telling them who they can and can not divulge that part of their identity to, the person establishes boundaries and common ground so there is no room for misunderstandings. Even if it might be hard to speak up, being assertive in how one communicates themselves can show how these are boundaries that should never be crossed. Coming out is a personal and intimate choice that should be defended if violated, and no one should feel bad for speaking up for themselves.